If you’ve ever tried to improve a Lager by stirring in a crumbled hop pellet.
If you have a hose adapter permanently attached to your kitchen tap.
If you wanted to name the puppy “Fuggles.”
If you own a sterile plastic rubbish bin.
If you have more than 40 litres of beer in your home right now.
If you measure beer in gallons.
If you don’t think that 40 litres of beer is a lot.
If you’ve ever used a mop on a ceiling.
If all party invitations you receive say “bring a keg.”
If you have a large stove pot that no one else is allowed to use.
If you’ve ever stumped the guide on a brewery tour, deliberately.
If you have a glass that you wash by hand instead of in the dishwasher.
If you’ve ever said any of these phrases:
“In a not-frosted glass, please.”
“Probably dirty hoses.”
“What kind of beer is it supposed to be?”
“By weight or volume?”
“My yeast is ready.”
“Aw, crap, twist-offs.”
If there is a bottle in your refrigerator with an air lock on it.
If you’ve ever butted into the conversation of total strangers because you overheard the word “sparge.”
If you can’t remember the last time you popped open a beer can.
If you’ve ever cut a hole in a refrigerator door.
If you’ve ever gone to a recycling center to buy bottles.
If your 10-year-old critiques the clarity and head retention of her ginger beer.
If the owner of the local bottle store doesn’t remember your name anymore.
If a waitress has said you’re the first person to ever send a beer back.
If your kid entered the science fair with a demonstration of fermentation.
If you’ve ever bought a six-pack of beer just because you wanted the empties.
If walking across the kitchen floor sounds like Velero.

If you’ve ever pulled bottles out of other people’s recycling bins.
If every T-shirt you own is from a brewpub or microbrewery.

(apologies to Zymurgy Magazine)